Script Writing - Second Draft Analysis

Second Draft Analysis


For my second draft of my script the things that I have been working on is making a monologue for the character Danielle. The monologue is about her finding out that she is pregnant a few days before she has an audition for a drama school. Danielle was drunk at a party and got herself in a situation and the end result is finding out that she is pregnant. The monologue is going through the emotions that she is in disbelief that she is pregnant. I wanted this monologue to be really believable that Danielle is in utter shock and doesn't know what to do. I feel that working on this for the second draft that this has worked. The structure is looking good I currently have 15 pages ( Word Document) and I have 6 Scenes which I feel is a good amount as there are lots of sections to a scene as there are 3 main story lines for the characters in the play. I feel as a second draft before the woman from the National Theatre looks at the script this is a decent length script but I am really interested to see what else she says could be added or changed to improve my script further. Characters I feel are coming together more and are having depth to them and aren't too bland. Things that need development is to continue to look at the grammar of the script, however I will proof read it at a higher level when it comes to a final script as the drafts have room for improvement. I feel that the character Megan needs to have more meat to her character, so I will see what the lady from the National theatre says about it before I make any more drastic changes to the characters. In my final piece I would like to have a fully understood and structured play which from an audience point of view makes perfect sense. I would also like my characters to have a deep rooted understanding to what their story is from an audience point of view and also whoever would play the characters so they become the character and not just read the script. Further consideration are peoples ages in the play and also more development of staging how the final scene will end and how it will be stages with the three stories going on at once at the same location (Train station) but on different parts of the station. I have also looked at how I want that scene to be staged. I have thought about the different locations for each scene. I feel that I would like to have some knowledge of how to make my script longer from the National Theatre woman, I am looking forward to hearing what feedback she has for my play.

Link to second draft of script

Script Writing - Second Draft

"What's The Pointe?"


Draft 2

Scene 1

 

At a dance school, 2 friends (17 & 18 yrs old) Alice and Danielle sitting in a changing room.

Mother and Daughter (11 year old daughter and 36 year old mum) Sharon (Mum) Emma (Daughter) talking with the dance teacher

Girl waiting in the waiting room ready to teach, Megan (23 years old)

 

 

Alice: 3 weeks until our audition Dani! I am so excited

 

Danielle: I know I cannot wait. This party tomorrow night is the last time I'm drinking until after the audition

 

Alice: Oh yeah me too, alcohol isn't good for your voice so 3 weeks of no alcohol will be fine I'm sure we can cope (Laughing together)




Danielle: It's crazy though isn't it, us growing up. We have been going to this dance school since we were 3 years old and we could potentially be leaving this place to go off to drama schools

 

Alice: I know its crazy, God what is Miss Jenkins going to do without us! Losing 2 seniors, might as well kill her now!

 

Danielle: Bless her

 

(lights go down on changing room section of the stage and then go up on Mother and daughter - Sharon and Emma talking to Miss Jenkins)




Sharon: Okay so I want to push Emma to do as much as she can through the dance school and do all the classes she can plus all festivals and competitions and do as much as possible

 

Miss J: Okay, well make sure you don't tire her out she's 12 years old and she needs to still focus on school work, its good you have a passion for what your daughter enjoys doing but you need to think about the strain on Emma. How do you feel about all this Emma…?

 

(Emma goes to speak)


Sharon: She's fine, she can do it all

 

Miss J: if you say so, but please don't tire the poor girl out and make sure she has time for her studies

 

Sharon: I want my daughter to be a star and she is going to be a star one day so I need to make sure she does as much as possible to get better and better, don't you think that’s right that she does all these extra classes and performances?

 

Miss J: Yes to an extent but she needs time to play as well as work

 

Sharon: This is play, she loves it. I pay for it all she should love it.

 

Emma: Can I say something…

 

Miss J: What’s that Emma?

 

Emma: I am quite tired already I don't want to do too much more

 

Sharon: She doesn't know what she's talking about! You need to do all this flower to get better you want to be a star don't you?

 

Emma: I guess so

 

Sharon: Yes mother I do want to be a star. For goodness sake stop slouching and stand up, no one wants to hire a hunchback now come on you've got a singing lesson then a drama lesson to go to. Thank you for this Talk Miss Jenkins

 

Miss Jenkins: You're welcome…I guess

 

( Lights down on them and up on Megan in the waiting room, she's sitting on her phone)




Danielle: Alright Meg

 

Megan: Oh hiya Danielle, how you doing today?

 

Danielle: Not too bad thank you, I'm looking forward to your lesson we always can't wait for your Thursday lessons you work us so hard and help us so much and its always so fun!

 

Megan: Aw thanks Dani that’s really lovely, but between me and you I 'm not sure how long I'm going to be staying here…

 

Danielle: What?! What do you mean are you leaving?!

 

Megan: Possibly, I've been offered a job abroad

 

Danielle: Wow that’s amazing! But such a massive thing to go and do! You've got a boyfriend haven't you?

 

Megan: Yeah Phil we've been together for 2 years now

 

Danielle: Wow, you guys are seriously perfect for each other though, how long will it be that you are away for?

 

Megan: 6 months…

 

Danielle: 6 months?! Jeeez! How does Phil feel?

 

Megan: I haven't told him yet because I don't know what to do

 

Danielle: Come on talk to Dani

 

Megan: It's just my life is here, he is the love of my life! But 6 months away from each other is such a long time that I don't think I could do that, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! I've heard he might propose to me soon which I would say yes to but 6 months which could possibly roll to a year is way too long to be away from him. Ugh I don't what to do

 

Danielle: Well you obviously love him, and you are thinking of more reasons not to go than to go…

 

Megan: Thats true, but if we truly love each other 6 months apart shouldn't jeperodise our relationship if we love each other

 

Danielle: I know but you are going to be in a foreign country and away from him like thats a hard thing to do!

 

Megan: I don't know what to do, this is a life changing thing to happen to me

 

Danielle: But how will Phil see this? He loves the bones of you, you are his world and 6 months will really take it's toll on you both

 

Megan: I just need to think about it more. Thanks for this chat Danielle. Now go get your kit on and I'll see you in there we are starting in 10 mins.

 

Lights go down on the stage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Party Scene: Scene 2


Danielle is talking to group of 2 girls and Alice comes running up to Daniellie




Alice: Dani! I've found you! Oh my isn't this such a good party!

 

Danielle: Yeah it is good i'm enjoying it

 

Alice: How can you? you're not drinking! come on get it down ya neck girl (Offers her bottle of vodka)

 

Danielle: I'm not feeling alcohol bit of a headache. But i'm still having a good time I don't need alcohol to have a good time

 

Alice: Come on! Live a bit! Please I love drunk Dani!

 

Danielle: Fine I will have a bit!

 

Alice: Thats the spirit girl

 

Danielle: Maybe having a few won't be a bad idea I want to talk to that guy over there

 

Alice: Who who who?!

 

Danielle: Tom… I literally fancy him so much

 

Alice: Omg look he's giving you the eyes! Get in their Dan

 

Danielle: Jeez i'm just so nervous. Ok give me the bottle please (Takes big swig of drink)


Alice: Okay take it easy Dani

 

Danielle: It will calm my nerves

 

Alice: Okay come to the toilet with me then we will powder our nose and top up our lipstick

 

Danielle and Alice walk to go off to the toilet and pass Megan with Phil talking





Phil: It's a good party isn't it

 

Megan: Yeah it is isn't it

 

Phil: You look beautiful by the way

 

Megan: Awh thank you honey (They kiss)


Phil: There is something chewing you, what’s wrong

 

Megan: Just a lot going on at the school like pushy mums and what not just had a long week

 

Phil: Yeah I get you, its such a hands on job I admire your dedication to it Meg

 

Megan: You're so lovely and understanding. Thank you.

 

Phil: Of course well I support you 100% with everything so anything you want to talk about I will be there

 

Megan: Thank you

 

Phil: Are you sure thats all there is to it?

 

Megan: Well there is something else that has cropped up

 

Phil: Whats that?

 

Megan: Well i've been offered a job

 

Phil: Thats amazing! Where is it?

 

Megan: Thats the thing… I would be away for 6 month abroad teaching.

 

Phil stays silent


Megan: Please say something

 

Phil: are you going to do it?

 

Megan: I don't know its 6 months, but then this is such a big opportunity

 

Phil: What about us?

 

Megan: I know thats the thing I don't want to be away from you for that long

 

Phil: You know I support you in everything you do, but i'm not sure if I can with this

 

Megan: But you just said that you support me 100% with everything I do?

 

Phil: I know but not this

 

Megan: Why not?

 

Phil: Because its 6 months Meg, I love you and I can't be without you for 6 months. Do you know what I was planning on doing?

 

Megan: You know I love you too but please don't guilt trip me. And what were you planning?

 

Phil: I am not guilt tripping you! ugh you know what forget it!

 

Megan: No tell me, I knew you would be upset about this but I thought you would at least be supportive. I haven't even made a decision but looking at the way you have reacted has given me a better idea of what I'm thinking of doing.

 

Phil: I just can't let you leave, Meg you are my world and you belong in it and I can't let you leave me for 6 months have you thought of what it will do to me? And what do you mean?

 

Megan: You are being so selfish. I just wanted you to be at least happy for me and then we could be adults and talk about it properly and see what happens from there but the way you are reacting makes me want to go if you are going to be like that.

 

Phil: Fine you go then, leave me and I won't propose to you Megan..

 

Megan: (Shocked) What?! You were going to propose to me?

 

Phil: Yeah but it doesn't matter now because you are leaving me for 6 months.

 

Megan: I don't know what to say

 

Phil: There is nothing to say. It seems you have already made your decision. I don't know if we can do this anymore

 

Megan: Please don't do this here we will talk about it more later please

 

Phil: I don't think anything you can say will make this better because I know you want to go, See you later Meg.

 

Phil exits leaving Megan speechless

 

Lights back to Alice and Danellie

 

Alice: Right there he is, go over there and talk to him

 

Danielle: (Staggering slightly) Okay I’m going. (Trips into chair) Who that there?

Alice: Stand up straight and take it easy. (To her self) God who’s stupid ideas was this to get her to talk to him. (Alice then goes and talks to other people)

 

Danielle: Okay I can do this…(Goes up to Tom) Hey Tom

 

Tom: Oh hey Danielle, you ok?

 

Danielle: I am great thank you, how are you? Great party isn’t it

 

Tom: I’m good, yeah it is a great party… So are you here on your own?

 

Danielle: No I came with my friend Alice… but oh I think shes gone

 

Tom: Well looks like we are on our own together then, my friends have ditched me. Say, I’m going home on my own tonight so if you wanted to, you can come with me … You’re looking great tonight by the way

 

Danielle: Oh thank you, and sure that would be good thank you. Want so I can get a lift home?

 

Tom: No to stay with me…

 

Danielle: Sure okay… (Tom goes to Kiss her)

 

Lights go down on the stage.

 

 

 

At Sharon and Emma’s house – Scene 3

 

At Sharon and Emma’s house and Sharon is pushing Emma too far with her performing and Emma lets out a little bit of how she feels but is still very contained.

 

Sharon: Emma come on its time to go to Ballet. Right have you been practicing your pirouettes ready for today? I asked Miss Jenkins what you were struggling with and she said pirouettes so I said I would make sure you practice. Emma are you even listening to me?

 

Emma: Yes mum

 

Sharon: I don’t feel you respect me Emma. I do so much for you and push you to do all these things and I don’t feel you appreciate what I do.

 

Emma: I do mum

 

Sharon: You have an exam in 3 weeks and you need to be on top form for it. I expect you to come out with a Distinction in it otherwise I will be really disappointed.

 

Emma: The ballet exam is really difficult…RAD is the hardest dance board so even a Merit would be really good. That’s what Miss Jenkins said.

 

Sharon: I do not care what Miss Jenkins said. I want you to come out with a Distinction. You bloody well should seeing how much money I pay for your training!

 

Emma: Mum stop!

 

Sharon: Excuse me?

 

Emma: Just please lay off the pressure please I…I’m finding it difficult to keep up. I am always tired.

 

Sharon: I don’t want to talk about this. If you are tired go to bed earlier, but all I am doing is make sure you have every experience possible and be the star you want to be. I would have failed as a parent if you don’t come out on top.

 

Emma: Lets go to dance I cant do this with you now.

 

Scene 4

 

Megan and Phil are talking on the phone. One half of the stage lit with Megan on the Phone, the other half lit with Phil.

 

Megan: Hey you

 

Phil: Hi

 

Megan: Please talk to me. I haven’t seen you or spoken to you for almost a week since the party. I need us to sort this with you.

 

Phil: You want to go and take the job, but I think it will be too hard for us to not see each other for 6 months… do you not agree that is a crazy amount of time?

 

Megan: Yes but if we truly love each other we can make it work surely?

 

Phil: Yes but I can’t cope without you for 6 months its too long. So I am going to let you go so you can go off and do your thing. You know I’m so proud of you just I wont be able to deal with it.

 

Megan: (Starting to cry) Please Phil we can do this and work through it. Please don’t leave me.

 

Phil: I’m letting you go Meg. You can do what you have always wanted to do. Speak to you soon, I love you.

 

 

He hangs up leaving Megan speechless.

 

 

 

Scene 5

 

Its 1 day before Alice and Danielle’s audition and Danielle is looking at a positive pregnancy test

 

Danielle: Shit. Oh shit.  This can’t be right. This can’t be right its got to be wrong. But then again how can two positive tests be wrong? I am sure we were careful, but then again I was so drunk I can’t even remember what happened.  But what the hell do I do? I have an audition tomorrow which would essentially be the start of my career path and next step in my life but I can’t do it if I’m pregnant? But I could not forgive myself if I was to get rid of the child. Because what happens if I get rid of the baby and I don’t get in then I couldn’t live with myself. But then again I am 17 almost 18 years old I can no way take on this responsibility. Alice will just be like ‘How could you be so stupid to have gotten pregnant’ my mum, jeez my mum will absolutely kill me. She will throw me out. I can’t tell Tom because it was a one night thing and I can’t just go to him and be like ‘Oh hi yeah you slept with me at a party and you are now the father of my child’.  I seriously don’t know what to do. I just don’t have the mentality to end an innocent baby’s life because of my stupidity. I will go to the audition and just see how I feel about it all tomorrow. Tomorrow may influence my decision on the whole situation. I just can’t believe it.

 

 

 

 

Scene 6

 

Alice and Danielle are waiting at the station for their train to go to their audition

 

Alice : I’m so nervous

 

Danielle: Same

 

Alice: But I’m excited as well

 

Danielle: yep

 

Alice: I’m totally gonna nail it I can feel it

 

Danielle: mmhhmm

 

Alice: : What’s the matter with you?

 

Danielle: Nothing

 

Alice: is it because your nervous and you don’t want to talk? Because I don’t want you to be like this all day you will just stress me out

 

Danielle: just leave it yeah

 

Alice : no because this is a big day and if you go to the audition like that you won’t get in take It from me, I know how it works

 

Danielle: Its not that its just ugh you won't understand

 

Alice: Okay whatever I have no time for you today if you are going to be like that.

Oh my god look over there, that girl she's in our year, do you remember her she dropped out of college and now she is pregnant, you must be stupid to get pregnant at this age. 17 wow I couldn't do it. Such a shame.

 

Danielle: Well you never know she could have done all the right things and one of the little guy just get through

 

Alice: Still I wouldn't keep it. Like has she thought about it finically? She is not going to have a life for the next 18 years 

 

Danielle: Leave her alone will you, you don't know how she feels or what she is going through

 

Alice: seriously what is wrong with you today?

 

Danielle: nothing just leave it out will you

 

Alice: well at least tell me what’s going as I said it’s a big day for me, I mean us, I mean come on whose likely to get in me or you… oh, sorry I didn’t mean it like that

 

Danielle: yes you did you have always thought that you’re better than me and have always put me down I want to do well its just I have a lot going on

 

Alice: I’m sorry it came our wrong I don’t know Its just your attitude right now I just don’t understand why you can’t just try and be happy about this audition this could change our lives. Oh look the train should be here in 3 minutes

 

 

Danielle: i can't do it 

 

Alice: What?

 

Danielle: I can't get on the train 

 

Alice: oh come stop being a drama queen you will be fine once you get in there just keep calm, take deep breaths and…

 

Danielle: … i'm Pregnant

 

Alice: i'm sorry come again

 

Danielle: I'm pregnant…knocked up… up the duff how else would you like me to say it?

 

Alice: Yeah alright…just, are you sure?

 

Danielle: No i just said it for a laugh, yes i'm sure!

 

Alice: I can't believe it. is that why you've been all tense about today because you are pregnant?

 

Danielle: Yeah i just don't know what to do. Performing is my life and all that I have ever wanted to do and now i'm carrying a child, like what do i even do? do i get rid of it? but then if i do get rid of it and go to the audition and don't get in here or anywhere else then I have got rid of a life, but if i do get in what the hell am I supposed to do? Alice please help me

 

Alice: Okay one thing at a time babe. You are pregnant. so whose the father?!

 

Danielle: Seriously?

 

Alice: Okay yeah sorry, right tell me that one later then. Well maybe if you go the audition today see how it goes and maybe the decision of what happens with drama school will make you come to a decision about keeping the baby. 

 

Danielle: I guess. I just want to go to drama school so bad, but I wouldn't forgive myself for getting rid of it 

 

Alice: Go to the audition today, see what happens and see what the outcome is and maybe that will influence your decision rather than decide right now

 

Danielle: It's just such a big decision Al

 

Alice: Dani i know, but you've got to do this audition for you and see what the outcome is and maybe then it will influences your decision.

 

Danielle: You know what, I can’t do this.

 

Alice: What do you mean?

 

Daniellie: I just can’t get rid of it, so I am going to keep it

 

Alice: You are going to keep it?! Do you understand the reposibility of a child? You wouldn’t be able to cope.

Danielle: No I am not going to keep it for myself. I will put the child up for adoption meaning a family can look after it with the care that I wouldn’t be able to provide right now. I know it’s a big decision but I thought about it all last night. I will just take a year out and re-apply for drama schools the year after. Just I couldn’t forgive myself if I was to have this child now and not be able to look after it like I should and would want to

 

Alice: Well are you absolutely sure?

 

Daniellie: Yes I really am. Just got to tell my mum now

 

Alice: Its going to be hard you know what giving up your child to another family.

 

Danielle: I know

 

Alice: I can’t tell you what to do

 

Danielle: Just go and have a good audition. You will nail it.

 

Alice: Thank you, see you later

 

Danielle: Good luck

 

On the other side of the platform is Megan and her Mother Deborah

 

Deborah: I am so so proud of you Meg. This is such an amazing opportunity for you!

 

Megan: Mum I am scared

 

Deborah: I know you must be feeling scared but just remember how amazing this opportunity is for you and your future.

 

Megan: What if I have made an awful mistake leaving Phil behind?

 

Deborah: He made it clear to you that he wouldn’t be able to cope for 6 months. He was an arse if you ask me

 

Megan: But that’s the thing will I be able to cope without him? He’s the love of my life mum.

 

Deborah: So you are going to give it up for a guy?

 

Megan: He’s not just any guy, he’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. And don’t you dare say that mum you did the same when you were my age you stayed to be with my dad and had me so don’t be a hypocrite.

 

Deborah: I just think this is best for you.

 

Megan: No mum this is what you want. I just don’t feel I can….

 

Phil: MEG!

 

Megan: Phil?

 

Phil: (Running towards her) I am sorry I am so sorry for all of the things I said. I was an absolute arse to you. I just thought about myself.  We can make it work! I can come out to you as many times as I can. We can do it and make it work I don’t why I was being so stubborn.

 

Megan: Oh Phil you don’t know how much that means to me. But I don’t feel I can leave so I am going to take this opportunity to say… Phil, I love you so much and I know this was something you were going to do, but I feel I should ask… Will you marry me?

 

Phil: Of course I will, it would be my pleasure. So does this mean you are staying.

 

Megan: Yes I am, sometimes you’ve got to stop and think what makes you happy and you are what makes me happy. I love you

 

Phil: You have no idea how happy that makes me. I love you too

 

Deborah: As long as this is the right decision for you Meg then I support you

 

Megan: This is the right thing mum

 

Deborah: Okay then.

 

Further down the station is Emma and Sharon. Emma is about to go to her ballet exam

 

Sharon: Are you feeling confident about this exam? Of course you are no need to ask that question

 

Emma: Yes I guess so

 

Sharon: Come liven up a bit I expect a distinction from you and nothing less.

 

Emma: Mum I need to talk to you

 

Sharon: (Sharply) About what?

 

Emma: I respect everything you do for me, just I feel its too much. You need to let me do what makes me feel happy and not what you want me to do. I can’t cope with hoe intense you are about my training.

 

Sharon: But you are going to be a star one day?

 

Emma: That’s just it mum. Its too much you are pushing me too much to start to dislike it. I am doing everything you want me to do and not for what I want to do.

 

Sharon: I have done everything for you to give you every opportunity

 

Emma: I know I am so thankful. I just need to cut it down a bit please.

 

Sharon: I don’t understand you

 

Emma: Please mum, I will do this exam, just when we get home can we sort everything out and think about cutting down some of my commitments because I feel so drained and run down.

 

Sharon: Fine. I hope you know what you are doing

 

Emma: Yes, I am doing what is best and what will make me happy

 

Danielle, Megan and Emma all walk to front of stage and say together

 

Emma/Danielle/Megan: This is the right thing to do